More On The Charles Barkley DUI Saga: Tattoos & Blow Job Edition

Just when you thought the Charles Barkley DUI story couldn't get any better, what with the Urkel drinking buddy and all, The Smoking Gun has just released the full report from the Gilbert Police Department.

Here are the highlights:

• I asked if he had been drinking and he said "Yes, I have." I asked how much he had had and he said, "A couple, I could give you a bullshit answer but I didn't."
• When I asked the question "Where were you going?" He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was "hot." He asked me, "You want the truth?" When I told him I did he said, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then explained that she had given him a "blow job" one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.
• He told a civilian Gilbert PD employee: "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if it would help get him out of the DUI. He laughed and then quickly corrected himself and said, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" and then laughed again.

Ah, that Charles Barkley... entertaining right to the very end.

Barkley: All I Really Wanted Was Oral Sex [TMZ]
Charles Barkley's Oral Statements [Smoking Gun]
Charles Barkley: "I Was Gonna Drive Around The Corner And Get A Blow Job." [Deadspin]

Charles Barkley Is A Dumbass, Gets Nailed for DUI After Partying With Urkel

Charles Barkley is one of my favorite sports personalities. Not only did I enjoy his time with the Phoenix Suns (screw you, John Paxson), but he's also been entertaining in his post-basketball career.

That said, the man is a dumbass. Sure, he was tricked into saying a dumbass, but make no mistake, Charles Barkley is a dumbass.

How else could he think that driving in Scottsdale after having any drinks at all, late at night, would be a good idea? Also, why did he think that partying with Steve Urkel would be a good idea? No good can come of that.

“I am disappointed that I put myself in that situation,” said Barkey. “The Scottsdale police were fantastic. Now it is a legal matter and I will not comment any further as it is a legal matter.”  Feel free to add, "I'm a dumbass!" to the end of that statement.

Arizona has notoriously tough DUI laws & many athletes & celebrities have been caught. So why not get a taxi, Sir Charles?

Barkley did do what most say is the best idea, which is to refuse a breathalyzer and take a blood test instead, but under Arizona law, ANY amount of alcohol can be enough to get you for a DUI if it was shown to have impaired you.

Given Arizona's recent penchant for making DUI offenders "expect the max", Charles Barkley looks like he is in a world of trouble right now.

Barkley comments on Valley DUI  arrest [AZCentral]

Lingerie Football Player Sues Ex-Boyfriend Over Nude Photos

One of these days, people will realize that if you let someone take nude photographs of you, said naked pictures will probably end up somewhere on the Internet. Until then, we'll keep enjoying stories like this one from Tampa.

Melissa Berry, a player in the Lingerie Football League, is suing her ex-boyfriend Mark Dawson after he distributed nude photos of her online. The suit claims that Dawson, who ironically is a safe dating expert, took "several nude photographs of her, including one taken without her knowledge of her engaged in a 'particularly private, intimate sexual act,'" and distributed those photos on MySpace, as well as to her mom.

As for Berry, she is a rookie starting linebacker for the Tampa Breeze in the Lingerie Football League, and formerly worked as a stripper. I believe that's how Mike Vrabel got his start as well.

Needless to say, both sides disagree on what happened.

Dawson said:

"This is nothing but an ex-girlfriend trying to cause problems. For her to say that these pictures were taken against her knowledge is untrue because she is smiling in them. She takes her clothes off for a living and tells people I am doing all this other stuff. What she's doing now is creating a drama because there are pictures out there of her."

Berry countered:

"If I wanted to take my clothes off for a living, that's what I would do. There's not a photographer that has ever taken those sorts of shots of me. It's more of a privacy thing. It's not for everyone else to see."

It doesn't matter who wins, the lesson here is, don't take your clothes off and let people take pictures if you don't want other people to see them at some point, since that's what always happens..

Here is the important news you are looking for: The Lingerie Football League's Lingerie Bowl will be played in Feburary during halftime of the Super Bowl in Tampa. The league has teams in other cities as well, including Phoenix, which is my hometown. I actually went to high school with one of the team's quarterbacks. In case you needed further proof that nobody is who they say they are online, according to her bio she was 12 when she graduated from high school.


Lingerie Bowl Player Sues Ex-Boyfriend Over Nude Pictures [Tampe Bay Online]

Video: Chinese Girl Has Basketball For Legs, Hopes To Swim In 2012 Paralympics

Qian Hongyan was in a car accident when she was just 3 years old, and as a result, she had both of her legs amputated.

Her family was unable to provide real prosthetics, and as a result, she was put into a basketball, which she then hopped around in like a human Weeble.

Despite her disability, this young Chinese girl has dreams of participating in the 2012 Paralympics in London. No, not in the basketball event, but in swimming.

She swims 2000 meters every day in training in order to prepare to achieve her dream of swimming for Team China.

It's pretty remarkable what she can do in the pool, but also what she can do with a basketball. She's had far more success with it than the Oklahoma City Thunder have this season.

Chinese Girl Has Basketball for a Body [Weird Asia News]

Video: Potato Latke Eating Competition Won By Furious Pete Czerwinski

Hanukkah 2008 has kicked off, and what better way to celebrate the Festival of Lights than by having a latke eating contest?

Sunday was the 4th Annual National Potato Latke Eating Competition, held in at Zan's Deli on Long Island, New York, where fortunately nobody was trampled or bitten.

This year's potato pancake eating champion? "Furious" Pete Czerwinski, a 22-year-old Canadian student.

Czerwinski is a rising star in the world of competitive eating, having won several competitions and owning several world records, including having eaten 18 bananas in 2 minutes. Rather than make an easy joke, this would be a good time to point out that he's also a body builder and would easily kick your ass in between bites.

Not only did Czerwinski win the latke eating competion, he did so in style, packing away 46 potato pancakes in 8 minutes, which works out to about 7 pounds of potatoes and grease. It can be safely assumed that the name "furious" comes from his experiences in the bathroom after such an event.

Canadian wins Lake Grove latke-eating contest [Newsday]

Super Bowl Analysis: Which Team is More Likely to Have Someone Get Into Trouble, Giants or Patriots?

Over the next week, you will be reading many important analyses of this year's Super Bowl matchup between the New York Giants and New England Patriots. This may or may not be one of them.

In this entire Super Bowl Week, the actual game only takes up about 4 hours. What will everyone in town do with the rest of the time? What will all of the players do with that time? There will be dozens of parties, plus plenty of other special events that can take a player's mind off his job.

Eliminate the distractions and you improve your chances of winning. Fall prey to temptation & cause a distraction, and well, just ask the Atlanta Falcons and Eugene Robinson or the Oakland Raiders and Barret Robbins.

Which team is more likely to have someone get involved in an off-the-field incident or be distracted this week based on where they are staying: the Giants or the Patriots?

These are obviously two disciplined teams led by coaches who know how to keep their guys in line, but you never know for sure. The places mentioned below could all serve as distractions. Let's break it down:

Basic Hotel Location

New York Giants: The New York Giants will be staying at the Sheraton Wild Horse Pass, just south of Phoenix. The resort is exclusively reserved for the Giants. Security will undoubtedly be tight, giving the Giants a zone of solitude. Should they want to venture out though, it will be a long drive. Eli Manning can be kept occupied for hours with all of the Seinfeld reruns shown on the local Fox affiliate.

New England Patriots: The New England Patriots will be staying at the Westin Kierland Resort in north Scottsdale. The hotel is in a busy area of Scottsdale, only a couple of miles from the TPC Scottsdale, home of the FBR Open, which will be taking place Super Bowl Weekend. Between all of the Super Bowl events and parties in Scottsdale, plus the FBR, Scottsdale is going to be crazy. I have no idea why the Patriots would want to be staying anywhere near there, but they are. Jewlery store Shane Co. is right nearby though, should Tom Brady want to purchase anything for Gisele.

Team more likely to get in trouble: Patriots by far


Casinos

New York Giants: Right across the road from where the Giants will be staying is one of the largest casinos in Arizona, Gila River Casino. When one thinks of casinos, one usually thinks of the Vegas megaresorts. Gila River is definitely not like that. There's poker and some machines. This could be a spot to watch players dropping money to the elderly folks who inhabit the poker room and bingo hall. Las Vegas says "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" because of all the trouble you can get into. Gila River says "what happens in Gila River, stays in Gila River" because everyone who goes there has Alzheimers and won't remember it.

New England Patriots: The nearest casinos are Fort McDowell and Casino Arizona. Neither is that close, and neither should prove to be a distraction unless someone really wants to gamble.

Team more likely to get in trouble: Giants... though you'd have to really try to get in trouble at Gila River.


Nightclubs & Bars

New York Giants: There's not much nearby. The closest bars are the sort of suburban strip mall hellholes that are prevalent around here. Unless the Giants want to drink with soccer moms in Ahwatukee and Chandler (really a unique experience, trust me), the nearest decent places are in Tempe and Scottsdale. If any of the Giants do go out that far, that long drive back is a DUI waiting to happen. Put Arizona's new super-strict DUI laws with Sheriff Joe Arpaio's penchant for the spotlight, and you can bank on someone high-profile getting arrested this week. If the Giants don't want it to be them, it's taxis all the way.

However, the Playboy party is going to be held at Rawhide, which is located right near where the Giants are staying. If you'd like to rub elbows (and nothing else, unless you want to get tased) with Playboy models, tickets are just $2,000.

New England Patriots: Nearly every major party will take place in Scottsdale, many of them right near the Patriots' hotel. Nearby Barcelona will be hosting several major parties, including the NFL Players Association Party and the Sports Illustrated Party. Other major parties in Scottsdale include the Maxim Party, Terrell Owens' bash, the Bud Bowl, several block paries, the Leather & Laces Party (with Carmen Electra and Catherine Bell), the Saturday Night Spectacular (featuring John Travolta & REO Speedwagon!), the ESPN the Magazine Party, the Penthouse Party and the Deadspin Super Bowl Party. Okay, maybe the Deadspin Super Bowl Party isn't a major party, but it's the only one I have a chance in hell of attending, so it makes the cut. P. Diddy and Snoop Dogg are providing the entertainment at all of the above parties. The only exception is the performance by Doug Flutie and the Flutie Brothers Band at Mickey's Hangover. Diddy will really be scraping the bottom of the barrel if he has to sample the Flutie Brothers Band.

Team more likely to get in trouble: Patriots. Access to nightlife is that much easier for the Patriots, though it will be a busy week for everyone. As a side note, bookmark dirtyscottsdale.com right now. This will be a very busy week for them.


Strip Clubs

New York Giants: The closest strip club is Christie's Cabaret, which is about 6 or 7 miles away. Christie's bills itself as a high-class establishment. The next closest club is Sonny's Bar and Gentleman's Club. The reviews are surprisingly good, but having driven past it, it looks like the sort of place where the strippers have more breasts than they have teeth.

New England Patriots: The nearest strip clubs are also several miles away from the Patriots. However, one of the strip clubs in Scottsdale is Babe's, which is owned by Jenna Jameson.

Team more likely to get in trouble: Draw Unfortunately, no player visiting a strip club will be able to claim he is doing charity work.


There you have it. It is clear which team has the advantage when it comes to avoiding possible distractions while in Arizona. That team is not the New England Patriots. If you want to avoid any chance of getting in trouble, don't stay in Scottsdale. Based on the above analysis, the New York Giants will be your Super Bowl XLII Champions. You may now ignore everyone else's opinion on the game and take your newfound knowledge straight to Vegas.