Monday, January 28, 2008
Super Bowl Analysis: Which Team is More Likely to Have Someone Get Into Trouble, Giants or Patriots?
In this entire Super Bowl Week, the actual game only takes up about 4 hours. What will everyone in town do with the rest of the time? What will all of the players do with that time? There will be dozens of parties, plus plenty of other special events that can take a player's mind off his job.
Eliminate the distractions and you improve your chances of winning. Fall prey to temptation & cause a distraction, and well, just ask the Atlanta Falcons and Eugene Robinson or the Oakland Raiders and Barret Robbins.
Which team is more likely to have someone get involved in an off-the-field incident or be distracted this week based on where they are staying: the Giants or the Patriots?
These are obviously two disciplined teams led by coaches who know how to keep their guys in line, but you never know for sure. The places mentioned below could all serve as distractions. Let's break it down:
Basic Hotel Location
New York Giants: The New York Giants will be staying at the Sheraton Wild Horse Pass, just south of Phoenix. The resort is exclusively reserved for the Giants. Security will undoubtedly be tight, giving the Giants a zone of solitude. Should they want to venture out though, it will be a long drive. Eli Manning can be kept occupied for hours with all of the Seinfeld reruns shown on the local Fox affiliate.
New England Patriots: The New England Patriots will be staying at the Westin Kierland Resort in north Scottsdale. The hotel is in a busy area of Scottsdale, only a couple of miles from the TPC Scottsdale, home of the FBR Open, which will be taking place Super Bowl Weekend. Between all of the Super Bowl events and parties in Scottsdale, plus the FBR, Scottsdale is going to be crazy. I have no idea why the Patriots would want to be staying anywhere near there, but they are. Jewlery store Shane Co. is right nearby though, should Tom Brady want to purchase anything for Gisele.
Team more likely to get in trouble: Patriots by far
New York Giants: Right across the road from where the Giants will be staying is one of the largest casinos in Arizona, Gila River Casino. When one thinks of casinos, one usually thinks of the Vegas megaresorts. Gila River is definitely not like that. There's poker and some machines. This could be a spot to watch players dropping money to the elderly folks who inhabit the poker room and bingo hall. Las Vegas says "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" because of all the trouble you can get into. Gila River says "what happens in Gila River, stays in Gila River" because everyone who goes there has Alzheimers and won't remember it.
New England Patriots: The nearest casinos are Fort McDowell and Casino Arizona. Neither is that close, and neither should prove to be a distraction unless someone really wants to gamble.
Team more likely to get in trouble: Giants... though you'd have to really try to get in trouble at Gila River.
Nightclubs & Bars
New York Giants: There's not much nearby. The closest bars are the sort of suburban strip mall hellholes that are prevalent around here. Unless the Giants want to drink with soccer moms in Ahwatukee and Chandler (really a unique experience, trust me), the nearest decent places are in Tempe and Scottsdale. If any of the Giants do go out that far, that long drive back is a DUI waiting to happen. Put Arizona's new super-strict DUI laws with Sheriff Joe Arpaio's penchant for the spotlight, and you can bank on someone high-profile getting arrested this week. If the Giants don't want it to be them, it's taxis all the way.
However, the Playboy party is going to be held at Rawhide, which is located right near where the Giants are staying. If you'd like to rub elbows (and nothing else, unless you want to get tased) with Playboy models, tickets are just $2,000.
New England Patriots: Nearly every major party will take place in Scottsdale, many of them right near the Patriots' hotel. Nearby Barcelona will be hosting several major parties, including the NFL Players Association Party and the Sports Illustrated Party. Other major parties in Scottsdale include the Maxim Party, Terrell Owens' bash, the Bud Bowl, several block paries, the Leather & Laces Party (with Carmen Electra and Catherine Bell), the Saturday Night Spectacular (featuring John Travolta & REO Speedwagon!), the ESPN the Magazine Party, the Penthouse Party and the Deadspin Super Bowl Party. Okay, maybe the Deadspin Super Bowl Party isn't a major party, but it's the only one I have a chance in hell of attending, so it makes the cut. P. Diddy and Snoop Dogg are providing the entertainment at all of the above parties. The only exception is the performance by Doug Flutie and the Flutie Brothers Band at Mickey's Hangover. Diddy will really be scraping the bottom of the barrel if he has to sample the Flutie Brothers Band.
Team more likely to get in trouble: Patriots. Access to nightlife is that much easier for the Patriots, though it will be a busy week for everyone. As a side note, bookmark dirtyscottsdale.com right now. This will be a very busy week for them.
New York Giants: The closest strip club is Christie's Cabaret, which is about 6 or 7 miles away. Christie's bills itself as a high-class establishment. The next closest club is Sonny's Bar and Gentleman's Club. The reviews are surprisingly good, but having driven past it, it looks like the sort of place where the strippers have more breasts than they have teeth.
New England Patriots: The nearest strip clubs are also several miles away from the Patriots. However, one of the strip clubs in Scottsdale is Babe's, which is owned by Jenna Jameson.
Team more likely to get in trouble: Draw Unfortunately, no player visiting a strip club will be able to claim he is doing charity work.
There you have it. It is clear which team has the advantage when it comes to avoiding possible distractions while in Arizona. That team is not the New England Patriots. If you want to avoid any chance of getting in trouble, don't stay in Scottsdale. Based on the above analysis, the New York Giants will be your Super Bowl XLII Champions. You may now ignore everyone else's opinion on the game and take your newfound knowledge straight to Vegas.