Just when you thought the Charles Barkley DUI story couldn't get any better, what with the Urkel drinking buddy and all, The Smoking Gun has just released the full report from the Gilbert Police Department.

Here are the highlights:

• I asked if he had been drinking and he said "Yes, I have." I asked how much he had had and he said, "A couple, I could give you a bullshit answer but I didn't."
• When I asked the question "Where were you going?" He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was "hot." He asked me, "You want the truth?" When I told him I did he said, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then explained that she had given him a "blow job" one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.
• He told a civilian Gilbert PD employee: "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if it would help get him out of the DUI. He laughed and then quickly corrected himself and said, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" and then laughed again.

Ah, that Charles Barkley... entertaining right to the very end.

Barkley: All I Really Wanted Was Oral Sex [TMZ]
Charles Barkley's Oral Statements [Smoking Gun]
Charles Barkley: "I Was Gonna Drive Around The Corner And Get A Blow Job." [Deadspin]